Valuing Others Reflection #24

"Wow, you people sure are fat." That could be the greeting we got whenever we visited my great aunt. She did not hold back anything or if she did, I'm glad we didn't know what she was really thinking! We always braced ourselves for the inevitable blunt remarks she would make. My husband appreciated her honesty despite being reminded of his hair loss and weight gain. 

As any grandmother, she loved her grandchildren, but it always felt like she was comparing them to our children. You can't compete with walking on water. But maybe she was just so proud and not comparing. She was good to us too.

Besides remembering her bluntness, I will never, ever forget her love for her chihuahuas. One I remember was named Tammy. Although proper in so many ways, Aunt Helen didn't see any problem with holding Tammy in her lap at the dinner table and letting her eat off of her plate. It was not a pleasant experience for us, but who are we to say something to our elder?

We always remember her birthdate, 12/12/12. It was the same year the Titanic sank and Fenway Park opened. 

Her husband was so fun. Uncle Bill would rib her and was always yanking her chain. It felt like he was always testing his limits. We loved him. Only he could say those things to her. I don't know if she didn't hear him half the time or chose to ignore him. We wondered if it was discussed after we left, but I think not because he would do it again next time and they remained married for 62 years. We tried to hold our laughter until the ride home and then we would recall his words and bust out laughing--finally able to let it out. 

I know there was some bad history between my Mom and her aunt, but Mom still visited her or had her over. She would try to do nice things for her aunt, like searching for a particular beanie baby, or giving her cuttings from her house plants. She prepared a lot of food and tried to make things special when she visited. When Aunt Helen came she would often comment on something of Mom's that she would like and inevitably Mom would give it to her. The older I got, this used to anger me. I know Mom had some pretty unhappy memories about this woman, why would she just give her anything she wanted? My Dad said it was because she had so little family left, which was true. She felt obligated to keep the remaining ties. I give my mom deep respect for that.

I did keep writing to Aunt Helen after Mom had passed. We attended her 100th birthday party. She lived to be 104, outliving her husband who was thirteen years younger, and outliving my mom.  At 100 she told me she didn't have a pain in her body--not even a headache. She did have macular degeneration. But how pathetic I feel at my age with my aches and pains. Perhaps I need to be blunter with my words...would that help me not to have aches and pains and to live long?

Or was it her eating habits. Though if I had a dog eat off my plate, I wouldn't eat much! Aunt Helen cooked the good old recipes with lots of butter and rich foods. Every Saturday night was hot dogs and Boston baked beans, I am told. Tomato sausage was a favorite and being British, everything was fried. 

The difference was when Aunt Helen was offered a piece of cake, or pie or anything for that matter, she would say, "I'll have a sliver." You would hold the knife and she would say, "smaller" and you'd move it and she'd say, "smaller", until was maybe an inch thick. She would not deprive herself of anything but always had a tiny bit of everything. We now refer to very small pieces as an "Aunt Helen sliver". That must be how she remained a petite woman all her life, never a problem with weight and lived a long, healthy life. 

I surely don't mean any disrespect to my great aunt's memory; it is all true from our viewpoint. I am sure she would agree with it all, but I wouldn't have had the courage to say it to her face! I am not like her, but a takeaway lesson here is about relationships. My uncle pushed the limits, and he must have known the cutoff point. As for the rest of us, we tried to be respectful. But the biggest lesson is from my Mom. Despite everything, Mom would not only respect her aunt, but give to her again and again, even at times, things she didn't really plan on parting with. I leave you with God's words that exemplify my Mom and I hope I can do the same: "Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, Rather in humility value others above yourselves."  Philippians 2:3 

Sowing without reaping

Still top in my thoughts these days are my daughter's two adorable foster girls. They will be turning 2 and 3 next month. They have brought us such joy. Both are very busy yet they will let you hold them for a moment and snuggle. They have smiles that melt hearts and when they look at you, you know their thoughts are deeper than they can verbalize.

We have now been warned that we may only have the gift of knowing and loving these girls for another month. It wasn't supposed to be this way. We were told that the odds of them going back to the mother were slim and that there were no other family members to take them in. My daughter and her spouse planned on adopting. Losing these little loves was not in the plans and barely considered, though we know that it is not over until it's over.

What my daughter's family has done is to love and nourish these girls when their mother could not. They have spent many a night up with them when they couldn't or wouldn't sleep. They have changed their diapers, fed them, played with them and read to them. They have tried to teach them the things all little ones must learn--sharing, saying please and thank you, be gentle with animals, helping with chores, picking up toys, potty training, etc. They even taught them some sign language. They took them to the weekly meetings with the mother and other appointments they needed to go to. They shopped for clothes and other things as needed. They took them to the beach and vacation and other fun activities.

The other children adapted as these two new girls moved into their home. They had to share the attention but they were great helpers and learned to be friends and protective older "siblings" to these two precious children.

They have all given of themselves. And now the bombshell. They have to know that the ripples of their lives have played an enormous part in the girls' well-being and development but they will never see them again or have any influence on their lives. They have to hope and pray that the foundations that they planted will be instilled in them, yet, at this young age, these girls will never remember any of us, All the love that came from the bottom of our hearts and the seeds that were planted, all smiles and giggles shared will never be remembered by them, but always remembered fondly by all of us.

Likewise, the mother of these children should be eternally grateful that there was a loving family that did more for her children than she will probably ever know and that those ripples were a catalyst in her life to get the help she needed to be an adequate mom. When she couldn't teach or take care of her children, someone did so and very well, as she picked up the pieces of her life. Now we pray that she can protect and provide for these little ones as much as they deserve. May they be safe, cared for and loved. 

The seeds have been sowed. Often we will not know the effects of our ripples and even those who we touched will not even know where this ripple has come from, but it is always there in the waters of life. 

"Do not neglect to do good and to share what you have, for such sacrifices are pleasing to God."

Hebrews 13:16

"The way to love anything is to realize that it may be lost." G.K. Chesterson